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Sep. 14th, 2002 | 09:42 pm

First of all, you are fat. You are ugly. Your breath stinks. You are unpopular. Your car sucks. Your house sucks. Your life sucks.

You are not witty. You are not smart. You are ignorant. You are stupid. You will never make it in this world. You are unpopular. You will never amount to anything. You are nothing.

Your diet is poor. You have low self-esteem. You have cellulite. You have ugly toenails. You have blackheads. You have body hair where it just shouldn't be. Your eyeballs are not white enough. Your teeth are not white enough.

Secondly, you are fat. You should go on a diet. You should eat more hamburgers. Your tits are not big enough. Your tits are too small. Your tits aren't small enough or big enough. Your dick is too small. Your nose isn't right. Your arse is too big. You should make yourself sick. You should eat more hamburgers.

Your dress sense sucks. You have no style. You are one of the crowd. You are a follower. You are a freak. You don't fit in. You are a lah-hoo-ser. You have no charisma. You are not sexy enough. Your favorite band sucks. Your favorite brand sucks. Your clothes suck. Your shoes suck. You are retarded.

You don't have enough money. You should work harder. You don't have enough things. You are unhappy. You need more. You are unsatisfied. You are not moving forward. You are not keeping up the pace. You are lagging behind. You are one step behind the rest.

You are doing it all wrong. You need to change. You need to see that change is good. You need to follow us. You need to be individual. You need to fit in. You need to think outside the square. You need to stand out. You need to know the rules. You need to know the secrets. You should be yourself.

Thirdly, you are fat. Your legs wobble too much. Your teeth are crooked. Your face is wrong. You are not thin enough. You are too thin. You need to eat more hamburgers.

You are lactose intolerant. You are iron deficient. Your cholesterol is too high. Your calcium level is too low. Your blood pressure is too high. Your iron level is too low. You need to get liposuction. You need to lose weight. You suffer from premature ejaculation. You are far too dependant on drugs. You need to buy more drugs.

You are bipolar. You have attention deficit hyperactive disorder. You have post-traumatic stress disorder. You suffer from depression. You are manic. You are not happy enough. You suffer from road rage. You suffer split-personality disorders. You suffer marriage problems. You are not right. You need to buy more drugs.

You should stop smoking. You should buy more cigarettes. You should stop smoking. You will get cancer. You will die anyway. You should have fun. You shouldn?t have fun. You should be fashionable. You should keep ahead. You are lagging behind. You should be individual. You shouldn't care about what you do. You are free. You should go your own way. You should follow us.

You watch too much television. You need to stay tuned. You are fat because you watch too much television. You should watch more television. You should be individual. You are going to be a star one day. You are nothing. You should eat more hamburgers. You should drink more syrup. You are too fat.

You should not be who you are. You have to change.

Now buy my fucking product.

Link | Smoke me a kipper.. {24} I'll be back in time for breakfast | Share

Wet Dreams

May. 1st, 2001 | 07:05 pm

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving in downtown Atlantis,my Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a red stingray and it was over heating. So I pulled into a shell station, they said I'd blown a seal, I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, OK pal?"

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the dolphins. I said "Hi GILL!".. You have to yell, he's hard of herring. Gill was also down on his luck, fact is he was barely keeping his head below water. I gullied up the sand bar, he poured the usual - Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him the fin, on porpoise. I was feelin' good, I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the helibut.

Well, the place was crowded we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal, what sole. Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna, Salmon Enchanted Evening, and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them, was this cute little yellow tail, and she's giving me the eye. So I figure this is my chance for a little fun, y'know, piece'a pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep, she seemed to be under a lot of pressure, boy could she drink, she drank like a .. she drank a lot. I said, what's your sign, she said Aquarian, I said, "GREAT, let's get tanked."

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait, I said, "c'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line, "not tonight, I got a haddock" and she wasn't kidding either cos in came the biggest meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscles. He came over to me, he said "Listen shrimp, don't you come trawling around here". What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and I said "Abalone! You're just being shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill cos he was already on the phone to the Cods. The haddock hits me a sucker punch, I catch him with a left hook, he eels over, it was a fluke! But there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackrel. Kelpless.

I said "forget the cods Gill, this guy's going to need a sturgeon". Well, the yellow tail was impressed by the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?" I said "Marlin".

Well, from then on, we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders and then I went home with her.. but what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams.

Link | Smoke me a kipper.. {5} I'll be back in time for breakfast | Share